at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
