I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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