Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
