Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Pants are for mortals
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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