Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize