Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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