oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
