I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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