well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize