it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
