I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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