shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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