why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
