dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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