I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize