Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
