Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
