Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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