Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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