i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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