This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize