She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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