mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
