if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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