In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
