i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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