it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You need Xanax blowdarts
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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