omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
