They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize