It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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