You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
