Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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