I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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