You smell like a Billy Joel song
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
