There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
