just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
