hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The power of my boobs compel you
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
