I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
