You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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