I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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