in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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