peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
