Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
