3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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