May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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