Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
