I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Your penis caused this!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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