No subtext here. People are naked.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
