I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
