Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
They took my balls.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
