i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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