I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just invented taco cereal.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
