I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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