dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My cat gives me a boner
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
