he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize