i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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