My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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