I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
