final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
