Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i used baking grease as lip gloss
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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