By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
