I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
