Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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