just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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