I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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